Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
just having fun
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.