BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
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Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My plans: 2020:
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide