I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
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Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.