Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
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LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.