I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
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My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.