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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat