Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
bad
worse
worst
worchester
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Shortcut
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it