I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I hope Alan is OK
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
*gets down on one knee*
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Another interesting #factupdates post!