*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.