Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
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Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped