Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.