being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
You Might Also Like
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly