*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
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Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me buying fruit and veg
pat pat
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
marvel comics have peaked
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.