[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes