Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
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Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
This is I, Robot all over again
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time