Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Merry Christmas
accurate
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’