If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Bill is short for Billiam
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.