I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Just me and my debit card against the world
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.