gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
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They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs