The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
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Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Every time my phone rings
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
This made me chuckle.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once