Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
#ProTip
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.