I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.