GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
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Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.