Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
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While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
*skinny dips into black hole
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.