If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
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[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!