[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Coffee is ready.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????