I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.