Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
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He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.