I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
what’s really going on
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.