I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Yup!
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem