Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.