Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.