Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Saturday
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes