I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
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Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.