COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
You Might Also Like
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.