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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
cats when you pet them too long:
That’s enough internet for the day
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’