i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The USS B port
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.