Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
You Might Also Like
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates