“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
welp
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.