Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat