Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”