me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
“you changed” bro i was 15
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine