Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
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[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I need this for my side hustle.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.