[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.