In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
You Might Also Like
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge