Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
what
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.