Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“i am a sweet baby”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan