My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
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One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel