[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok