Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
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Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.